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The 'God Stuff' 1: After Kathryn's Death
My Diary has a better memory! On 7th June 1997, three months after Kathryn's birth/death, I admitted to my Diary that I had been 'avoiding God'. By that, I think I mean that I hadn't wanted to have any kind of in-depth conversation with Him about what happened. I thought I was dealing with it pretty well in my own way! I wrote in my Diary on 7th June, partly to record a 'conversation' with God that took place a week earlier. Although I had been steering clear of God, He had other ideas and was just waiting around for a chance to say something. I was sitting on one of the rowing machines at the gym. I said, 'God, where are you anyway?'. He said, 'Here. Where did you think I'd be? I've been wanting to talk to you for ages, but every time I try, you run away'. Then it was like God had his chance, I was listening and he took it. He was saying how my hopes and ideas and dreams for Kathryn were just that: vague hope and dreams. But that he'd had concrete, specific plans for her. His plan for her was for life, not death. He'd already planned how she should have grown - what she would have become. He told me that He didn't take her - but that He did receive her. He told me that the main purpose of her life was to know Him... that the location wasn't the way He'd planned it, but that she was doing what He'd made her to do - she knew Him. This long, completely unexpected, 'speech' was something of a shock to me, to say the least. I had to leave the gym as my tears were becoming a little obvious - followed closely by my very concerned husband who, to date, still doesn't believe in the existence of God. In retrospect, this brief experience was one of the most significant 'keys' in my coping with the loss of our first baby. It wasn't always easy after this, but God had managed to get involved again, which really, really, helped.
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My memory recalls that Kathryn's death was simple and straightforward (although not easy) for me to deal with; that I worked through the issues fairly quickly and that God spoke to me pretty soon after her loss, which made a huge difference to me.