When I went into hospital the week before David died, I really believed that God had said that 'it' wouldn't happen again. I did all that I knew to do with that word. I prayed on it; I believed it; I read printed materials that would strengthen my faith; I spoke about it to anyone who would listen - reassuring the nurses, midwives, doctors, cleaners... that this baby would live and not die.

I had Bible verses that I believed were relevant.... friends visiting me added other verses and agreed to pray on those verses with me.

My Diary records the verses and comments that I wrote down at the time:

David died.

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I didn't write in my diary until 2nd March 1998. The above quotations were still written on the pieces of paper I'd had with me in the hospital. I copied them into my diary on 2nd March, adding 'I'm not coping very well. It all hurts so much that I can hardly think straight'. This was almost three months after David's death.

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During that three months (and longer) I dragged myself off to church every two weeks. I found it really, really hard to be there and couldn't put myself through that torture every week - the people were good to me, but I had serious questions about God that I needed to find answers to. I was determined that these questions would not become 'non-questions'. To avoid that, I needed to constantly put myself in situations where the question would be 'in my face' - hence continuing to attend church.

I [had been] forced to conclude that God hadn't done what (I believed) he'd said he would do. He'd let me down. Why had he bothered to speak if he wasn't going to do as he said he'd do? If he hadn't said anything, I would have coped in the same way as I did after Kathryn died. I wondered whether God was really there at all. Had I been deluding myself for all these years?

For months I searched for answers that would satisfy my logical mind. Being unwilling to repeat the whole exercise at a later time, I was determined not to stop short of those answers. I didn't need to have every answer to every question ever invented, but I did need to have enough solid answers to enable me to get on with my life. Only when I was certain of the answer to one question, did I move on to the next. Does God exist? Is he the God I always believed in, or a different one? Does God speak at all? Can he be relied upon? Does he care? Is he powerful, or not? What about prayer, how does that work? I had many 'chats' with my church minister 'H', which helped to give direction to my thinking (he never tried to tell me what to think or believe and I will always be glad of that!). For a long time I believed that God existed, but couldn't bring myself to trust him again. I don't think a day passed without me giving thought to my questions. I really, really needed answers.

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Written some months later, my diary recalls: I'm determined that I won't do anything until I have a strong logical basis for doing it. I'm not considering believing something, so much as becoming steadily more aware that certain things are true... because these things are true, they will stay true and will still be true when I've thought about them... I will hold on and wait until I'm sure.

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In May 1999, our daughter 'T' was born. Here are some extracts from an e-mail I wrote to a friend on 24th June 1999:

I was thinking the other day about why I wanted to have a 'dedication' for T. What was I trying to say? I guess one of the things I'm wanting to say is that I believe God finally did what he said he would do. He showed himself to be 'healer of the breach'. I still believe that he gave those words (and others) to me when I was in hospital just before I lost David. At the time I believed that he was meaning that he would 'do something' immediately. Now I'm thinking that he has done it - and the 'immediately' was my interpretation, not his. I still don't know why David (and Kathryn) died, but I'm beginning to be able to believe that it wasn't due to God's failure to do what he said he would do. I hope I'm making sense...

Can I be a Christian with question marks??

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There is more in my diary than is on this page. My thinking was more detailed and more complex than is recounted here. This was never meant to be either a reproduction of my diary or a book of Christian apologetics. I am relieved that truth sticks around and waits to be recognised. There is much that I still don't understand, but I understand enough to be able to live my life - and as I live, I will continue to search for more answers to more questions...

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